Episode 008: Emotional Regulation
Welcome back to episode 8 of Shake It Off with Dr. Lauren Hodge and Kendra Till. In this episode, we provide you with tips and steps to help you regulate your emotions.
When you have strong emotions like feeling overwhelmed, stressed, depressed or angry; being able to regulate your emotions is a tool that can help you pause so that you can communicate effectively in those moments. It’s a skill that helps you optimize relationships.
Emotional regulation isn’t something that happens overnight, it takes time and practice. We discuss our experiences with emotional regulation for personal growth.
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Kendra Till
Welcome to Shake It Off, a podcast that gives you the tools, strategies, and stories to optimize and prioritize your physical and mental health.
Hi, everyone, welcome back to Shake It Off. In today’s episode, we’re gonna talk about emotional regulation. For me, I know when I have strong emotions, for example, feeling overwhelmed or stressed or alone, being able to regulate my emotions is a tool that can help me to communicate in those moments. Being able to emotionally regulate is a skill that can help you optimize your relationships. In this episode, we’re going to provide you with the tips and steps to help you regulate emotions in yourself.
Lauren Hodge
We like to first start out our episodes describing the thing that we’re talking about, and emotion regulation is coping with stress and overwhelm and conflict in ways that have safe and clear communication.
I know when I think back to when I was going through my doctorate program, and I was getting advice from people on how you succeed, and a lot of people would say the most successful people are the people who persevere, keep pushing, work harder than others. But really what I learned was success and fulfillment comes from having an ability to regulate your emotions. So this is really important for everyone, those who want to be successful, or who are managers or employees, parents, anyone in a relationship of any form. So what I’ve learned is that the biggest factor in experiencing success and ultimately fulfillment in life is the ability to regulate your emotions.
Kendra Till
So essentially, would you say that suppressing your emotions is not a good thing?
Lauren Hodge
Well, with emotion regulation, a lot of people wonder “if I’m in regulating my emotions, is that like pushing things down? Is that suppressing them?” And I would say that emotion regulation is kind of the opposite of that. It’s allowing yourself to acknowledge what you’re feeling, and take a moment to pause so that big emotions can pass. Then, you can process it and communicate in a way that allows you to say how you’re feeling.
Kendra Till
Would you say emotional regulation is something that we learned from our parents and our upbringing?
Lauren Hodge
Yeah, exactly. It’s interesting because we learn emotion regulation as children, and we learn that from whoever our primary caregiver is because they model that. This can be things like the ability to confidently deal with stressful emotions or situations with grace and calmness, clarity and empathy. Many adults don’t have this skill, which is why adults commonly tantrum. They can do things like throwing things, screaming, name calling, sulking, silent treatment, ghosting, shaming. All of these are versions of being emotionally dysregulated. It’s common for both children and adults who are overwhelmed to show these types of tantrums and these behaviors. If you think about it, they don’t end in childhood for many people, myself included.
I’ll never forget this time, it was my first time skiing in Aspen on the top of a green run, and it was my first day out there. I did not take lessons. I made the mistake that a lot of us do, which is I thought “oh my boyfriend can teach me.” It’s kind of like with surfing or anything, it’s probably the last thing that you should be doing if you’re somebody’s partner, unless you’re trained to teach someone to ski. Let them get their own ski lessons because you’re gonna see all these awful sides of them come out when they’re in that vulnerable position. So I’m on the top of this mountain snowstorm comes through, and my boyfriend’s there skiing backwards, he’s got the camera out, he’s videoing everyone. For the millionth time my skis came out from underneath me and I just went flying down the mountain, and I couldn’t take any more. I had a straight up tantrum on the top of that mountain like a child, and I was like, “Okay, we’re gonna have to get Snow Patrol up here, I’m not going down, this is not happening.” What I was trying to communicate was, I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I actually don’t know what I’m doing, and that came out in this angry outbursts and this tantrum, which we eventually worked through, but it happens.
Kendra Till
So what you’re saying is, essentially emotional regulation is being able to cope with stressful overwhelming situations or conflict, and have these safe and clear communication strategies. But in terms of emotional dysregulation, what are some other examples? Would addiction be an example? Or eating disorders are those types of dysregulation examples?
Lauren Hodge
Right. Those are things that you do to cope when you’re dysregulated, so that’s a really good question. A lot of times when you’re starting to feel dysregulated, and we think about this on a scale of, one to ten. One being you’re at your calmest, ten being you’re fully blown, you cannot calm yourself down, and you are fully disassociated from your experience. The things that you use to cope are the skills, and emotion regulation can help you identify what you need at those different stages. Say you’re at a five, so you’re able to still communicate in the moment, so take a pause, but you’re able to still stay in that moment and communicate how you’re feeling. At that time, maybe what you need is a couple of deep breaths, and a five minute break. But if you’re at your full dysregulated self, you might need to fully have a break from the conversation for a 24 hour period, maybe you need to bring in some distractors like TV, or fully leaving work and going for a walk, or meditation is one of the main things that’s always going to help you regulate. So meditation can be one of your coping skills.
Oftentimes, when we see things like eating disorders or addiction, it’s that coping mechanism that has been developed from a young age most likely to rely on this other thing to regulate, and to soothe yourself, instead of looking at these other kind of mechanisms, like meditation. Depending on where you’re at on that spectrum, you’ll know what you need. What I normally recommend is for someone to look at what triggers their anxiety, their stress, or overwhelm what they feel like, what that looks like for them and where they go (what coping mechanisms they use). Have a look at those coping mechanisms that you’re using, and see how you can replace them with more healthier strategies for emotionally regulating. Which would be things like meditation, because you’re learning to take a pause, and to take a break from the immediate thing that’s in front of you so that you can start to process.
Kendra Till
Would you say that exercise is a good method to use as well?
Lauren Hodge
Exercise is a great method, you go for a run, go to Pilates. That might be what you need at your highest level of dysregulation or maybe even just at a six or seven. That’s great to have all throughout whenever you’re feeling like you are stressed or angry, to get that out through movement.
Kendra Till
So essentially what you’re saying is, it would be helpful to have a journal that you can keep and write down what you’re experiencing, how you feel. I know for me personally, when I feel these really strong emotions, I feel it in my physical body as well. It’s useful to be able to identify that and to write it down and to use that scale to help you.
Lauren Hodge
It’s good to first understand where this is coming from. So whenever you’re thinking about that scale, also think “Where have I seen this before?” So oftentimes how your parents handled their problems or conflict is the way that you’re going to handle your own stressors and problems in life. It’s just giving you that awareness, then kind of going through this five step process. Which is
- naming the situation, so you want to name the actual event that triggered your emotion without judgment, and you want to really just do it in one sentence or one small phrase. Maybe you’re starting to feel really dysregulated whenever you get an email from your boss, and you’re feeling really stressed with work, so the situation is ‘I got an email in my inbox from my boss.’ You’re not saying I got an email, and I was freaking out, because it was from my boss, and all that just named the actual situation, ‘I got an email in my inbox from my boss.’
- Then you identify the emotion. I like to write this out in a graph, where you have the situation right next to it, and the next column is you identify the emotion, and that could be you’re ‘feeling anxious’, you’re feeling worried, you feel like you’re gonna lose your job, whatever that feeling is.
Kendra Till
Essentially, that first step is your naming what it is. It’s very fact based, you’re pulling out all the emotions from it. So you’re just stating exactly what it is. Then that second step is identifying that emotion, let it be overwhelm or stress, sadness. It’s actually giving that a label, so it gives it a bit of a personality. Which I can see how that would be helpful because in that essence of giving it that label, it helps you to understand that emotion.
Lauren Hodge
That’s right, and it helps you start to identify what it is that you’re feeling, and noticing what you’re feeling.
- So you want to also name the thought that you had. So maybe the thought is “I’m going to get fired.” So you quickly just write down the first thought that comes to your mind from that situation, and
- then [write down] your body sensation. So if you’re feeling anxious, where do you usually feel that when you feel anxious?
Kendra Till
For me, I feel it in my chest.
Lauren Hodge
So you would say I’m feeling heavy in my chest or my heart’s beating fast. So you then you write those three things down, because it gives you indicators to start to see the pattern that “when I feel anxious, I feel it in my chest, and this is the thought that I’m having.”
- And then the last column is the action that you took. So maybe in that case, when you get the email from your boss, you’re feeling anxious, and you think I’m gonna lose my job, you ‘avoid responding to the email for hours,’ and that’s the action that happens, which can have some negative repercussions.
And in your mind, potentially, you want to change that to say, “Okay, I’m going to respond immediately, I’m not going to procrastinate on this.” And you would go back through that process, whenever you notice what you do, “Okay, this is the event, this is Monday morning, and I’m getting this email come through from like my boss.” And as soon as you notice that anxiety, you can remember your thought is, “Hey, I just got an email from my boss.”
Instead of thinking, “I’m probably getting fired”, which is kind of an extreme thought, in that situation, you can think “I got an email from my boss.” Then your new action that you’ve written down that you want to take, which is to respond immediately so that you’re not procrastinating. You remember, “okay, I’m just going to respond, we’re just going to do this, and we’re going to respond”, and it helps you kind of rework the actions that you’re taking. But the first step here, really for emotion regulation is just about identifying those emotions and your thoughts and body sensations and noticing them, and then pausing. So the biggest thing here is to just pause, and learn to pause before going into that automatic reaction.
This is a process. So that’s why writing it out helps because as you’re learning to pause, and take a break, it’s going to take a while. You have to really write this out. You have to get down to the thoughts that are happening in your mind that are causing this unwanted response for you, if it’s procrastination. Really just practice it consistently, and show yourself compassion as you’re practicing it because in order to move through that, that’s what’s required for that behavior change to happen. Now, this isn’t about, ruminating on your thoughts and your emotions for every situation, these are things that are really sticky situations for you where you want to not shut down or escalate. Oftentimes when we feel these stressors, we either shut down, we procrastinate, we isolate or we escalate, we get anxious, we get angry. So it’s those things where you can tell it’s impacting the relationship and you’re wanting to have a clear, safe communication around a certain situation. It’s about taking that pause.
Kendra Till
It’s almost like you’re creating a better response rather than being reactive. So I know for me, I can be if you know, if I’m not taking those steps, I have a tendency to be very impulsive, very reactive. If I’m angry, I’ll attack back, which is probably a bit of a survival instinct. But it’s that essence of like, “oh, you said something that made me really angry, I’m just going to attack back at you”, rather than pausing and being aware of that, “okay, I’m angry, and then I’m going to formulate a response.” Even that small moment of that pause, provides that ability to actually think about it and to reflect on it.
Lauren Hodge
Exactly. That also allows the time for the emotion to pass where you’re not being so reactive, instead you can still say, “Hey, I’m angry, I’m pissed”, you can say it but then you’re not like, “I’m angry, and you’re stupid.” It gives you a moment to not say the things that you might regret. But you definitely want to still communicate it, that feeling that you have. That’s such an important thing to think about because these things often come up in our relationships, and I know for me, whenever I’m feeling these throughout the day, or if I’m in a relationship where something is bothering me internally, and I can’t put my finger on it.
I write this out, I have a notebook where I have, like, the S is for the situation, the E is for the emotion, the T is for the thought, the B is for the body sensation, and the A is for the action. I just write out what’s happening, what was the action, and then how do I want to do this differently next time. Then it gives me the information that I need to also communicate how I’m feeling. I can say “Okay, I’m just feeling really anxious right now, or I’m really scared. And the reason I did this is because I thought that I might upset you, and that I might lose you. Or I thought that if I had told you how I was feeling that you might leave”, or whatever those feelings are that come up.
Kendra Till
It’s important to be able to use your words to communicate, and I can imagine that process of physically writing things down helps to formulate those words. I know for me, sometimes I have to write things down in order to help me formulate ideas and thoughts and be able to communicate them verbally. I can see where that’s a very useful practice.
Lauren Hodge
Yes, you’re right, and that is how I use it. There’s also the other thought of, we don’t have to say all the things or thoughts that go through our head. Some people process things verbally, where they first probably need to process it on their own before saying it out loud. Not everything needs to be communicated. So some of the things you could be like, “Oh, that’s where that was coming from. Okay”. Or it can also help you get down to the bottom of something that’s been bothering you.
Kendra Till
I could just see differentiating between communicating to assert your emotions and also communicating from a truly open place too. There would be a big difference between the two of those. I know for me when I’m in a conflict, I have a tendency to become really flooded with emotion, and I mentally check out and freeze. So how would I use these steps to help myself?
Lauren Hodge
So take me through what this looks like for you whenever you shut down and you’re stonewalling. What does it look like? And think about like the steps of emotion regulation when you’re explaining this to me, name the situation and identify the emotion and the thought and take me through it.
Kendra Till
A situation would be when Jessie and I discussed our future plans. There was a certain situation where we were in this discussion and I started feeling very anxious, and my thoughts were I’m unsure like, I felt so anxious, I was like, am I going to be supported?
Lauren Hodge
And what was your body sensation when you felt anxious?
Kendra Till
It’s almost like everything was stopping. My heart was stopping and everything was becoming very constricted in my chest.
Lauren Hodge
So what was the action that you took?
Kendra Till
I reacted I will say, and called him a complete asshole. Something that he hadn’t even done.
Lauren Hodge
We’ll pause there because that is an everyday situation for most people. Where you feel dysregulated and you feel those sensations. The idea is that when you start to track these things, you can start to notice, “okay, whenever I’m feeling anxious, angry, or stressed, this is where that goes. So that’s the moment I know, to take a deep breath and say, Hey, I’m feeling like I’m escalating quickly, internally, and I need five minutes, or I need to take a break and process and come back to you tomorrow with some better like some solutions.” It gives you the information you need to respond differently, and it takes a while to go through that. So then the next thing you do after you write those things out whenever you’re going through that experience. If you say, “You’re an asshole”, and then maybe you shut down at that point, you walk away. That’s where the stonewalling comes in, and then it takes a while for you guys to be able to communicate about it later. At that point, before you say those words, this process would be about pausing, and learning to pause before going into automatic response, and do that by practicing deep breathing.
When you start to write out these thoughts and feelings and body sensations, you can identify saying, “Oh, this thing is about to happen. This is the moment where I need to take a deep breath, this is a moment where my favorite thing is, is stick my hand up and say, Hey, I just need five minutes.” Or to explain, “hey, I actually am a processor who needs time to write out how I’m feeling about things. And I think if I respond right now, this isn’t going to go over well, I’m going to be emotionally flooded.” That’s kind of how you go through that, and you just let that emotion pass. It’s not that you don’t feel it, you feel the anger, but you let them know, like, “Hey, I’m angry. And I feel like I’m gonna say something that I would regret. And I want to be able to work through this. So let’s take a minute.”
Kendra Till
I think the biggest step for me, as I hear you talk about these steps is that it’s almost a level of accepting how you’re feeling. Sometimes I know that’s quite difficult for me to do to accept. I suppose taking that pause, instead of just completely reacting in either a physical way or verbal, or whatever that mechanism is. I find for me that acceptance is challenging.
Lauren Hodge
Sometimes depending on how strong the emotion is if you’re at a ten, which is where some people might go into drinking or whatever kind of coping mechanisms that are not necessarily helpful. Those moments instead of tapping deep into how you’re feeling, knowing that I am fully blown, I cannot communicate, I’m going to lose it. If I try, that’s when you need to put in the distractors, whatever that is for you. It could be like a walk on the beach or watching a movie to help you calm down, meditation, or exercise to help you feel okay to then eventually feel those feelings.
Kendra Till
I know we’re talking about emotional regulation specifically for ourselves, but could you provide any tips in terms of co-regulation with others? So for example, your partner or a family member, or even a co-worker, or kids, you find these dysregulation strategies that they’re not strategies, but they emotionally dysregulate. How can you help that situation?
Lauren Hodge
So with co-regulation. It can happen in a number of ways, but it’s when the person that you’re around if they are fully dysregulated, you notice they’re at an eight, nine or ten, where you remain regulated and grounded, and your breathing, to allow them to come back to their emotional center. So instead of you meeting them where they’re at, when they are yelling and fighting- or when they shut down and freeze- instead of meeting them in one of these dysregulated states, you’re staying here, like an even keel, and deep breathing, and remembering these steps, so that you can say, “you know, I can see that you’re really upset, and what you’re trying to say to me is that you’re upset, and you’re trying to tell me why I’m sure but you’re not communicating appropriately. I can’t work with this. I’m gonna wait for you to take five minutes to take a break.”
With a co-regulation, it shouldn’t be one person doing that every time it should be both ways. Otherwise, it’s emotional abuse, really. So you want to make sure that like both people are helping to coregulate. Then if you have a parent-child situation, obviously, the parent is the one that should stay regulated. So they are teaching the child how to bring themselves back down to that normal central emotional state. Co-regulation can be so intimate if you’re in a partner situation. I do this whenever I’m coaching people, when they’re getting upset, I make sure that I stay the regulated person in the group and then ensure that when they’re communicating how they’re feeling that I’m actively listening, and that can be another way to help somebody co-regulate, but you’re really just holding space for that person. They feel they can feel all of those emotions and do the tantrum that they’re having, but you’re staying grounded in yourself.
Kendra Till
That’s a useful skill. I’m sure something that has to be practiced, and a technique and skill.
Lauren Hodge
That’s right if when you practice emotion regulation it gives you the skills to start to be able to do that. Because then you can start to say, “Okay, where’s this behavior coming from of this other person?” You can take perspective, and you can take your five-second break just to regroup, and realize that most people aren’t trying to battle with you, especially if you’re in a relationship with them. They want to be able to communicate, but some just don’t have the skills yet. I think that’s really important. Now, one thing I would like to challenge everyone to do is to think about what your scale looks like that one to ten scale, like. When are you at a ten and fully disassociated and fully blown? And what are the tools in your toolkit for helping you emotionally regulate when you’re at that level? And what are the things that you do when you’re out of five? Take inventory of that so that you know where to go and how to get support for yourself whenever you’re feeling that way. Then practice these emotion regulation steps the next time you’re feeling like a five or six. You can work your way up to feeling more intense emotions by using it. But I think that can be useful.
