Episode 017: Emotional Healing
In Shake It Off Episode 17 Lauren and Kendra speak with special guest Rachel Kelly, the founder and CEO of Rachel Kelly Coaching.
Rachel’s coaching business specializes in emotional wellness, trauma processing, nervous system healing, inner child work, assertive communication, and self-love. She helps those struggling with anxiety to create internal safety in their bodies so they feel safe to expand and create the life they desire.
Lauren and Kendra talk with Rachel all about her transition from a therapist to starting her own healing coaching business. They dive deep into the intricacies of emotional healing, anxious attachment styles, and the healing process for the nervous system.
You can find all the podcast episodes at https://www.drlaurenhodge.com/podcast/
We created this podcast to give you the tools, strategies, and stories to handle the unexpected BS that life throws your way. We plant ourselves firmly at the gates of truth-telling and we discuss how to optimize and prioritize your physical and mental health.
If you like what you hear, please leave a 5-star review on Spotify and Apple Podcast and tell us what part you liked most.
*This is not medical advice. Please get in touch with your doctor or healthcare practitioner before making any changes to your healthcare plan.*
Listen to the Episode
Listen to the Podcast on Spotify >>
Read The Transcript
Lauren Hodge
Hey, everyone, and welcome back to Shake It Off. Kendra and I are speaking with Rachel Kelly today. Rachel is a therapist with a master’s degree in clinical social work. For eight years, Rachel worked as a therapist before deciding to start her own healing coaching business. Her coaching business specializes in emotional wellness, trauma processing, nervous system healing, inner child work, and effective communication and self-love. Rachel helps those struggling with anxiety to create internal safety in their bodies so they can feel safe to expand and create the life they desire. She also hosts her own podcast called “Feel It to Heal It,” which I was listening to today and found a lot of valuable insights. We’re thrilled to have you here with us today, Rachel, and excited to discuss the incredible work you’re doing.
Rachel Kelly
Thank you so much. I’m really excited to be here.
Kendra Till
Thanks, Rachel. Could you share with us how your own healing journey inspired you to start your own business?
Rachel Kelly
Yeah, absolutely. So my journey and my work are deeply intertwined. I’ve been on a healing journey for as long as I can remember. Therapy has been a part of my life since childhood, as both my parents were therapists and met in social work school. It runs in the family. Even when I entered the traditional therapy field, I continued attending therapy myself. However, everything changed when I discovered the world of online coaching. I found a mentor who has taught me everything I know about the work I do today. Combined with my clinical training as a therapist, this experience propelled me into an unexpected and thrilling adventure of starting my own business.
When I met my mentor, it was only three weeks after launching my business, and the timing was incredibly aligned. This encounter prompted me to focus on my own deep healing journey. I began working on processing my childhood trauma, rewiring my nervous system, and cultivating secure attachment while addressing anxious attachment patterns. These personal transformations significantly influenced the way I worked with my clients. Previously, I relied on traditional therapy methods, such as talk therapy, goal-setting, and teaching coping skills—those conventional approaches you typically associate with therapy. However, my deeper self-work, which involved somatic processing and exploring the subtle energy driving our behavior, completely shifted my perspective.
I realized the immense benefits I was experiencing—feeling safer in my body, reduced anxiety, and a stronger connection to my authentic self. The healing methodology developed by my mentor was truly remarkable. I quickly recognized the potential it held for my clients. Incorporating this approach became an immediate priority for me. Witnessing the rapid progress my clients made was foundational to the growth of my business. The modality became an integral part of my practice, allowing me to define the kind of clients I wanted to work with and the offers I wanted to create.
Essentially, my entire business was born from my own personal healing journey. I wanted to extend and share the gift of healing with others. It has been a continuous cycle of growth and gratitude, as each step of my journey has unfolded new opportunities and blessings.
Lauren Hodge
That’s incredible, and it’s fascinating how you transitioned from talk therapy to somatic work. I’ve personally had experiences with both approaches, and like you, I’ve found that somatic work resonates better with me. While I believe both are essential in my healing journey, the somatic approach has become my go-to method for navigating difficult situations, whether they arise in relationships or at work. It’s truly been transformative for me, and I can genuinely appreciate the power of this modality.
I noticed that you specialize in anxious attachment and I’m interested in learning more about your upcoming course, the Secure Entrepreneur. By the way, speaking of experiences, I remember Kendra and I once took an Anxious Attachment quiz together. Just yesterday, I started working at a co-working space, and it’s about a 25-minute walk from my home. I chose it specifically because it allows me to be outdoors and around other people. Currently, I’m in my home office because there isn’t a soundproof room available for recording. So, after this conversation, I’ll be walking back. It’s a learning process, but I’m realizing I need to adjust my attire for the office and then de-layer for the walk back, considering the temperature can rise here in Charleston. By the way, where are you located right now?
Rachel Kelly
Where are you? You said Tulsa?
Lauren Hodge
Charleston.
Rachel Kelly
Oh, Charleston. I’m in San Diego. So it’s, it’s actually kinda hot here today.
Lauren Hodge
That’s nice. Kendra and I were discussing your work on attachment styles. We’ve both taken attachment style quizzes in the past. In fact, Kendra recently took the quiz to determine her own attachment style. So, Kendra, what was your result? I’m curious to know.
Kendra Till
I was secure, secure attachment.
Lauren Hodge
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me at all. You’ve always been level-headed and easygoing in your relationships. You create an environment where others can grow and explore, which makes perfect sense to me. As for my own experience with the attachment style quiz, I remember taking it for the first time about four years ago. At the time, I struggled with hot-and-cold patterns in relationships. Everything would be going wonderfully, exceeding my expectations, and then suddenly, it would escalate into an explosive and unhealthy experience. I reached a point where I realized I needed to address this issue.
I recall a specific incident when I was dating a guy in New York while living in Australia. We hadn’t yet defined the relationship, and I hadn’t fully understood how to communicate my needs or establish feelings of safety and security. One night, we went out to a club in Brooklyn with his friend and his friend’s girlfriend. In my anxiously attached state, I perceived him as flirting with his friend’s girlfriend, who happened to be significantly younger. I pulled him aside, while we were at this amazing club I had been eager to visit, and I confronted him about his behavior. Looking back, I realize that my approach was not okay. He decided to leave, and as I was staying with him in New York, I impulsively insisted on leaving as well. I hastily packed my belongings, snuck out the back door with my backpack, and hailed a taxi to the airport. That incident marked the end of our connection. It left me wondering why I had reacted so strongly when he seemed to embody everything I desired in a relationship.
This experience initiated a journey of self-reflection, during which I delved into understanding the underlying causes of my reactions and identifying my own role in the situation. It was a process of uncovering and addressing my attachment style, which I had been projecting onto others due to my lack of self-awareness. Since then, I have participated in courses focused on attachment styles, but I acknowledge that certain triggers can still arise. I experience moments of jealousy and other emotions, but now I am more aware of them and understand what is happening within me when they occur.
So, in working with a client who exhibits anxious attachment tendencies, my goal would be to support them in not becoming overly anxious when their partner creates space or pulls away. Although I have personally transitioned to a more secure attachment style, I recognize that certain triggers can still be present. The key is to foster self-awareness and assist the client in understanding their own attachment patterns and reactions. By providing a safe and non-judgmental space, I would encourage open communication, exploration of their emotions, and the development of healthy coping mechanisms. It’s essential to empower them to identify their needs and communicate them effectively to their partner. Ultimately, the aim is to help them cultivate a sense of security within themselves, enabling them to navigate relationships with greater ease and resilience.
Rachel Kelly
Yeah, so first of all, thank you for sharing that, because it’s totally relatable. I have so many stories like that, where my anxious attachment got very activated and projected, behaved in a way that my highest self was…
Lauren Hodge
You’re like what’s happening. Yeah.
Rachel Kelly
And actually, it was my own experiences of being triggered in relationships that led me to dive into this healing work. After a breakup, I realized that there were some deep wounds that needed to be addressed. Romantic relationships have a way of bringing all of that to the surface. So the first crucial step, as you mentioned, is awareness. We aren’t typically educated about attachment styles and the fact that we all have different percentages of each style. It’s important to understand that as humans, we possess a blend of attachment styles, and our goal is to move closer to secure attachment.
Becoming aware of our triggers, whether they occur in relationships, friendships, or other aspects of life, is key. When we experience a trigger, it’s important to recognize that it’s our inner child reacting. Inner child work is something I came across during my time in grad school and therapy, but it wasn’t emphasized as much as it should have been. Our nervous systems are wired in childhood, so if we don’t address the root of that wiring, we miss a crucial piece of the puzzle. That reactive inner child is feeling threatened, scared, and uncertain about having their needs met. Whatever triggered the response from our partner is reminiscent of a time when we felt helpless as children, dependent on our caregivers for survival.
The next step is to orient our bodies back to safety in the present moment. This begins with awareness. When we realize our inner child is scared, we can ask ourselves, “What would a scared child need?” They would need comfort, validation, reassurance, and a sense of safety. By showing that care to our inner child, we can help regulate our nervous system. It’s important to recognize that our nervous system and inner child are interconnected, and when the inner child is activated, our nervous system becomes dysregulated.
Instead of projecting our fears onto our partners or engaging in hurtful behaviors, we can take responsibility for our own healing. This may involve taking time alone, going for a walk, or communicating to our partner that we need a break. During this time, we can practice grounding techniques, breathing, and allowing ourselves to feel the fear. Understanding that we are simply feeling scared in that moment can be transformative. It’s important to recognize that our partners are not responsible for saving us or making it all better. We, as adults, have the responsibility to attend to ourselves, to learn how to regulate our own emotions, and to communicate our needs. While it’s okay to seek support and co-regulation as we learn, we must understand that ultimately it is our responsibility. So it’s kind of one of those both damn things.
Lauren Hodge
That’s such a good point. Going back to what you mentioned about your inner child, my anxious attachment stems from a deep fear of abandonment. I’ve had multiple father figures who either weren’t present or abandoned me in different ways. My biological father and my mom’s ex-husband, who would have been my stepdad, both contributed to this ongoing fear that the person I’m with might leave. I fear that if they’re upset or dissatisfied, they’ll just walk away. It’s a constant worry in relationships. However, as you mentioned, it’s a process of growth and healing.
Now I know that at the beginning of a relationship, it’s essential for me to clearly communicate my needs to feel safe. I value integrity, where a person’s words align with their actions. I also need validation, even if my partner will be away or busy for a week. It’s important for us to touch base at least once a day, even with a small gesture that shows they’re thinking about me or that they care in some way. Of course, not everyone will be able to meet those needs, and I’ve learned that sometimes I need to provide that validation for myself. I have post-it notes scattered everywhere as a reminder to validate myself instead of constantly seeking it from others. These strategies have been really helpful.
As you said, once we start learning ourselves and understanding our needs, we can effectively communicate them to our partners. It’s a journey that also involves reconnecting with our inner child and tending to their needs.
Kendra Till
Well, it sounds like you now have the tools in your toolkit to navigate this, as it can manifest at different spectrums. It can be an intense experience of anxious attachment. And as Rachel mentioned, having those tools that you can rely on and pull out of your backpack is crucial. It allows you to regulate yourself and understand what’s happening within you. But as you mentioned, Lauren, self-awareness is absolutely essential.
Lauren Hodge
You’re absolutely right, Rachel. It’s a learning process. Once you become aware of your attachment style, you can then explore what typically triggers that attachment style in others. Additionally, you can discover strategies to support yourself in returning to your emotional center.
Rachel Kelly
Absolutely, you’re spot on. Processing childhood pain is a significant aspect of this work. The deep fear of abandonment, which underlies insecure attachment, especially anxious attachment, requires us to address stored trauma and pain from our past. When clients share triggering experiences in their relationships, I guide them to connect with their bodies and identify where those feelings manifest physically. By delving deeper, we explore the familiarity of those sensations and trace them back to childhood experiences. While conscious recollection of all childhood memories may be challenging, our implicit memory retains those emotional imprints. Even if clients cannot pinpoint the exact origin, they can locate the feeling in their bodies. Through holding space for these emotions and allowing their release, clients can establish a present-moment connection free from historical wounds that become triggered. In essence, attachment and trauma healing enable us to feel safe in the present. To cultivate internal safety, we must address the stored pain that our bodies perceive as a threat. By acknowledging and embracing fear, sadness, and shame that stem from childhood, we can allow these emotions to flow through us, grounding ourselves in the present and relating from our adult selves rather than the inner child. It emphasizes the importance of creating a safe space to feel and process our emotions. This understanding reinforces the earlier point that coping skills alone cannot suffice if we do not feel secure enough to confront and embrace the triggered pain. Without establishing a sense of safety to fully experience our emotions, they will continue to resurface persistently. That’s why my podcast named Feel it to Heal it.
Kendra Till
Yeah, that’s so fascinating. Personally, I find myself in a space where I’m genuinely intrigued by your expertise in nervous system healing and the overall process. There are moments when I feel immensely overwhelmed, and my nervous system is undoubtedly in overdrive. For instance, at present, I’m working more than usual, and I’m fully aware of the necessary steps to make changes and establish healthy boundaries. However, despite this awareness, I find myself consumed by work, which becomes a challenge. What particularly stands out to me is the end of the day when I embark on a 45-minute drive home from work. During that time, I experience heightened anxiety, overwhelming feelings that can become so intense that I may need to pull over on the side of the road, as I recently shared with Lauren. In light of this, could you walk us through some strategies for healing the nervous system and shed some light on the overall process and what it entails?
Rachel Kelly
Yeah, definitely. So I mean, first of all, very common experience driving home probably stuck in traffic, you’re like, I just had this long day, I’m so tired.
Kendra Till
Yeah, I’ve been there too, feeling overwhelmed. I often find myself with a pile of text messages and emails that I haven’t had the chance to respond to because I dedicate a lot of my time to working directly with people. It leaves me with limited time to check in on my messages. So by the end of the day, when I know my partner will be home, it just adds to the overwhelm.
Rachel Kelly:
Yeah, absolutely. I have definitely been there, especially in New York traffic. It’s no joke; it’s actually one of the reasons I moved. So when it comes to healing the nervous system, the first part is processing that pain so that your nervous system feels safe in the present and can navigate through stressors. Another way to support your nervous system, especially during busier seasons, is to establish daily non-negotiable practices. These practices should not disconnect you from yourself. In the past, my practices would involve binge-watching TV or getting lost in work, which only numbed and distracted me. Instead, choose practices that support the nervous system, such as daily journaling, meditation, yoga, cold showers, chanting, or singing. These practices tone the vagus nerve. Personally, I commit to three habits every day: meditation, chanting, and journaling. You need to select practices that feel sustainable for you. For example, I love yoga, but I understand that there may be days when I can’t attend a class. So I don’t want to set myself up for failure by committing to daily yoga sessions. I meet myself where I’m at. Journaling every day, even if it’s a quick list or a brief reflection on my day and emotions, provides consistency for my nervous system.
The nervous system can be seen as having two parts: structure and flow. The structure is like the divine masculine energy, providing a foundation through daily habits. The flow represents the divine feminine energy, allowing flexibility. We don’t want a rigid, controlled nervous system that depends on specific practices to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Similarly, we don’t want a nervous system without structure or consistency, as it leads to feeling scattered. It’s about finding a balance—a container of daily habits that support your nervous system and allow you to connect with yourself. By practicing these habits consistently, you’ll gain more flexibility. Taking time to come home to yourself, breathe, and address any arising feelings will help you navigate the highs and lows of the day. I highly recommend establishing daily habits, even if you start with just one. For example, commit to three minutes of stillness and deep breathing every day or take a walk in nature to ground yourself and appreciate the surroundings. Your nervous system needs that consistency to build a sense of safety. If you don’t provide some anchor of stability, your nervous system will feel more burnt out and dysregulated.
Additionally, we often forget the power of our breath. For instance, when driving home in traffic and feeling stressed, you can place a hand on your heart or lap, take three long, deep breaths, and allow your nervous system to recognize that it’s safe. Sometimes we forget to breathe fully as we go through the day, rushing from one task to another in a sympathetic state. We treat every email or task as an emergency, creating unnecessary stress. By prioritizing self-care, we become better equipped to show up for our clients, businesses, and loved ones. If we constantly neglect ourselves and run on empty, we’ll become resentful, exhausted, and our nervous system will shut down, leaving us with no energy except to numb out through activities like watching TV or mindlessly scrolling through social media. Incorporating intentional deep breaths throughout the day, checking in with our bodies, staying hydrated, and nourished are essential ways to care for ourselves and lead our nervous system. By sending signals of safety to our bodies, we counter the constant chaos and trauma of the world. Providing anchors of safety throughout the day will reduce anxiety and help us feel grounded and present in the moment, allowing us to truly enjoy life.
Kendra Till
I love these tips, Rachel.
Lauren Hodge
I love routines too! Having a routine around journaling and gratitude is crucial for me. It helps me transition into the day and then transition out of my workday. I absolutely agree with all the suggestions you mentioned. Having an anchor at the end of the day is so important. Now, I have a question. I noticed that you have a Secure Entrepreneur Program and an Admins Healing Group coming up. Could you please share some information about where our audience can find details about these programs? And could you also provide a brief overview of what these programs entail?
Rachel Kelly
Yeah, absolutely. I’m really, really excited about this. It combines my two passions in life, which are healing anxious attachment and entrepreneurship, and helping people build their dream businesses. The course is called “The Secure Entrepreneur.” It specifically targets entrepreneurs who struggle with symptoms of anxious attachment. Now, keep in mind, we all have some degree of anxious attachment. So even if someone only experiences a certain percentage of it, this course can still be incredibly valuable. The concepts and teachings can be applied to anyone. However, it’s specifically designed for entrepreneurs who want to establish healthier boundaries, more structure, and greater consistency.
We work on releasing those protective mechanisms and trauma responses like people-pleasing, comparison, and perfectionism (oh my god, perfectionism!). It’s amazing how these traits can be so sneaky, as they are ingrained in our bodies as safety mechanisms. The course is for those who desire to relate to their businesses from a place of secure attachment and, most importantly, to feel the way they want to feel in their business. When we think about why we started our businesses as entrepreneurs, it’s about feeling free and having a lifestyle of freedom. It’s about getting paid to do what we love, serving the world with our unique gifts, magic, and medicine. We can’t fully achieve that if we’re constantly exhausted, burnt out, resentful, undercharging, and overworking. This program is all about fully embodying what we teach, walking the walk, and practicing what we preach, so we can authentically experience the way we want to feel in our businesses.
Lauren Hodge
Sounds like every entrepreneur could benefit from that. Can they find that on your website? Or is it Instagram?
Rachel Kelly
My instagram handle is at rachel_kelly_coaching. And the waitlist is in the link in my bio, and it’s going to open one week from today.
Lauren Hodge
Yeah, absolutely. And what about your men’s healing group? Is that also coming up? Will it be available?
Rachel Kelly
Definitely. We are currently launching our men’s group called Real Men Heal, which I co-lead with Anna. It’s a three-month group coaching program that focuses on full nervous system transformation and deconditioning the societal expectations of what it means to be a “real man.” The program consists of nine modules covering topics such as nervous system healing, attachment theory, inner child work, abundance, power, and money. If you’re interested, the application for the program can be found in the link in my Instagram bio. And if you have any questions, my DMs are always open. I love connecting with the community and meeting new people on my page, so feel free to reach out and say hello.
