Shake It Off Podcast – Episode 5

Kendra Till:  Welcome to shake it off a podcast that gives you the tools, strategies and stories to optimize and prioritize your physical and mental health. Hi guys, welcome back to shake it off. This episode is for our listeners who are parents. In this episode, we are going to provide seven tips on managing back to school separation anxiety for parents. So Lauren has worked in research, parenting support for the majority of her career, she’s worked with some of the top parenting researchers in the world, the tips she’s providing come from behavioral and social psychology. So it’s that time of year again, when kids are heading back to school and preschoolers and kindergarteners are going to school for the very first time. Seeing your little ones go back to school can be very difficult for not only you but also for your kids. So Lauren, I’m hearing from you that there are plenty of ways for parents to get prepared for school.And I hear that, you know, kids worry about going into a new class, they’ve got you know, new students having a new teacher. So from your perspective, what are the biggest challenges you see, for parents going back to school? 

 

Lauren Hodge:  A lot of parents worry about how to help their kids mix with others, and how to calmly separate from their kids whenever they drop them off at school. And separation anxiety is totally normal for both parents and kids. So that’s an important precursor to this episode. You know, when a child is being left with their teacher, some children can clean or cry and object to their parents leaving. And we know that this will get easier with time. 

 

Kendra Till:  So what can you do to manage this back to school anxiety? So what I guess are these tips for the parents? 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Well, first of all, I want to say all these tips we’ve put into a useful handout and it’s on the podcast episode show notes, you can actually click in the show notes and get this handout. So definitely take notes. But you will also have that to rely on. And you can go ahead and look at that if you want. First you want to help prevent problems when you leave your kid at school. And the best way to do this is to prepare your kid ahead of time, talk to them about the school or center in a really positive way. 

 

Kendra Till:  Ooo, I like that. So my sister in law is a first grade teacher. And she actually said that, you know, setting the tone in a positive way is really important because kids are essentially like sponges. So they’re picking up pretty much what the parents are putting down. So it’s really important, she said to, you know, talk about what their kids are looking forward to and what they hope to learn from the experience of school, and just get the kids excited about the overall learning experience. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Yeah, that’s so right. Show your kids the activities they’ll do at school, such as drawing and storytelling ahead of time. 

 

Kendra Till:  That’s a good one, too. I actually remember my sister and I would also go school shopping before school started. And it was one of the best activities for us, we would get so excited about it. And I still remember picking out my Lisa Frank pencil case and matching notebook and matching backpack. So it was just such a great memory and I got so excited about going to school. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Yeah, another way to do this is to play school when you’re at home. So pretend like you’re a student and your other sibling or your mom’s a teacher, and you know, switch roles and really get into playing school. And then also we want to make a plan to visit the school or the childcare center before the first day of school if you can. 

 

Kendra Till:  Yeah, I can see how that would help kids get to know where their classes are just getting acclimated with the area. You know, just to know where they’re going. So I know most districts usually have a meet the teacher or an open house. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Yeah, most schools allow parents and students to also stop by and take a tour. So definitely take advantage of this and meet the teacher. You’ll hear this theme throughout this entire podcast episode. That communication with your child’s teacher is key. 

 

Kendra Till:  I actually remember when we moved from Iowa to Georgia, I was going into middle school. So it’s a brand new middle school for me and a brand new state. I actually went in and got to meet my teacher before school started and it was really great because I got not only acclimated with my new school but obviously met my teacher. I remember I met my new coaches that I was going to be working with as well. And it was just really nice to be in the environment without all the hustle and bustle of the other students being there. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Yeah, that’s a great way to kind of get in there, see what the schools like, get a little tour around and get to know the surroundings. And also start adjusting sleep schedules. Begin starting bedtime earlier and waking up early well in advance, and really talk about the changing routine with your kids so that they’re aware of what’s going to come next. Another strategy here for preparing is to bring a friend from home. So you can ask the teacher if your kid can bring something from home, like, you know, a picture or a stuffed animal that they can put in the cubby, for comfort. You can even just cut a small square from their blanket, and they can keep it in their pocket. A common anxiety for some kids who have separation anxiety is that their parents won’t come back. So you can leave them something of your own to reassure them that you are coming back. 

 

Kendra Till:  That’s interesting. That’s a really good little tip, actually. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Yeah, and on the day, I’m willing, when you go to start the new school, you’ve done all this preparation on the day, explain to your child, where they’re going, and where you are going. And when you will be back and try to tie this to something your child will understand. So for example, this might be something like Amy, when you finish naptime, I’ll be back to pick you up. Or when you finish recess, I’ll be back to be here. Another really neat strategy is to, you know, buy your kid a watch. Once they’re in elementary school, this could be a really neat, like back to school gift. And you can let them know like when your watch says five, I’ll be here to get you to pick you up. 

 

Kendra Till:  So basically, those are some really great tips on how to actually prepare your kid for school. So those are some really great handy, handy tips to put in your little toolkit. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  That’s right. So we got that it’s about getting prepared. Tip one big one, then Tip Two is to explain the steps. And here consistency is the most important. And whenever I say something is key, you’ll know write that down, you want to keep that in your notebook, and come back to it. So come up with a goodbye routine that you can do every single time you say your goodbyes and explain the steps before you leave the house. This might sound something like when you get to your school, the steps are say hi to your teacher and to other kids find something to do and hug and say goodbye. And then after a while while you’re going through these strategies each morning, your kids will eventually be able to say the steps and you can ask them to repeat the steps back and slowly praise them whenever they’re able to remember what they are. But continuously, consistently reminding them that those are the steps that happen when you go to school. And when you say your goodbyes 

 

Kendra Till:  Sounds like a really key communication strategy to you know, talk to your kids about it and so that they understand those clear steps exactly. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  It’s about clarity and rules, really like having those rules in place easy, concise rules that they can follow and understand is the key to any behavior, change strategy, or to any emotional kind of regulation strategy. If kids know the rules, then they know what’s expected of them. 

 

Kendra Till:  Right. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  So Tip three is to talk about rewards. And for the first few times, it helps to reward your kid for following the steps. Say what they can earn if they follow the steps. And you know that special treat might be something like going to a game or playing a game with mom or dad or stopping by the park on the way home after school. 

 

Kendra Till:  My sister actually has a good example of Yeah, she actually rewards my nieces and nephew with a donut day. Yes, I lost them. That’s a great strategy for reward. Nothing like a little sugar kick for you know, always worked for me. Yeah, exactly. 

Lauren Hodge:  I really liked that. 

 

Kendra Till:  Yeah 

 

Lauren Hodge:  The next strategy then is to communicate with the teacher, he already heard us say this, it’s so important. And you want to reintroduce the teacher to your child, whenever you get there. This is assuming that you’ve done the introduction already at the open houses and things that were offered during the summer. And let the teacher know that you leave when you say goodbye, even if your child is upset or crying. Because remember, you’ve already told your child that those are the steps and that you do leave even if they’re upset or crying. And you need to make sure you’re communicating that also with the teacher, because some issues can occur if this kind of discussion and agreement doesn’t happen, because it can cause inconsistencies and who handles the upset. At what point do you hand it over to the teacher and at what point is it yours to handle? And you’ve already said as soon as you say goodbye, you leave. So you’re out and you’re letting the teacher know and if you’re really concerned about How upset your child is and it’s bothering you. One, you can always call the school to check in to see how your child is doing. But you can also ask the teacher to make a note of how long it takes your child to settle down after you leave, and track that over the course of two weeks. And I can guarantee that that will, you’ll notice in almost every case that that will start to slow down over the month. So again, consistency and following the steps is key here and communicating it to all the people who need to know. 

 

Kendra Till:  And I can see where in and not only that, is that a great strategy for managing the separation anxiety for the kid, but it’s also going to really significantly help the teacher too. So I think that’s a great, great tip. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Teachers love it when you communicate with them. So the more communication, the better. Definitely my sister in law said that as well, too. 

 

Kendra Till:  So my question is, though, how do we know how to get the kids to school and prepare them, but how do you actually make for a smooth exit? 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Alright, so with this, you want to help your kids mix well with others. And you do this by first demonstrating how to build friendships, talk to the kids, parents that are in your class, introduce your kid to the adults and the other kids in the room. Learn the other kids names, you might say something like, Hey, Billy is not Sam, who is at your soccer camp. 

 

Kendra Till:  Yeah, I bet that when you say the classmates name that actually creates a sense of like a safe environment, and it becomes familiar for your kids. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  That’s right, it’s like they can identify somebody else. And they can get in there and they can start communicating with someone else and start to mix in with the group. So then you want to suggest something that your kid might like to do, you can either suggest something they can set up alone, like a play with Legos, or with one or two other people. And for younger kids. We’re talking preschoolers and toddlers, you can even set your kid up in an activity before you head out. And really, another key point, you’re going to hear us reiterate all the time and praise your child when they mix with others. That’s really important. And any praise that you give, you want to make sure it’s directly related to the behavior you’re working on, and that you want to see increase. So the next and final step here, for a smooth exit is to say goodbye and leave. Now, I cannot tell you how many parents have questions about this step. And it makes sense. It’s like do I respond when my child objects to me leaving, do I sneak out the back door? Do I stay with them for however long, and you know, all of these questions are very valid. Really, as tempting as it may be, don’t leave without your child knowing. So it’s important to calmly and confidently say goodbye to them and leave, letting them know where you’re going. And when you will see them later. So I’m going to work, I’ll see you at 5pm. Ignore objections and do not go back, keep going, keep walking out the door, make the drop off quick. And once you’ve said goodbye, leave promptly, 

 

Kendra Till:  It’s kind of like you’re just ripping that band aid off. And the quicker that you leave, you know, either if it’s home, you know, if you’re leaving the kids with your babysitter or in the school situation, it’s just going to make the easiest transition for the kids. So that’s good, you know, get 

 

Lauren Hodge:  The key is to not linger. And I think this is the hardest part. And I can only imagine that feeling when your child could be crying, could be really upset and you’re having to just turn and walk away. But now that you’ve handed this over to a teacher that you’ve already let them know that this is their turn to take over by and you trust them to do that. And also know that if you use these strategies like this and consistently use them, then you’re set up for these moments of separation, it might be when you need to have a babysitter or when your kids are playing or staying with family friends. So 

 

Kendra Till:  That’s really great. And obviously that communication, as you mentioned, it’s just this undercurrent theme of the entire thing.

 

Lauren Hodge:  Being upfront and direct. 

 

Kendra Till:  So we know now that we’ve got our exit strategies, and what do you do when you when the kid returns or when you return? 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Well, you want to connect with your kid automatically. So spend some one on one time with your kid. Ask them about what they did when you’re away. And if the teacher tells you something that they did, praise them straight away. Now you’ve probably heard me mention praise a couple of times and it’s really great for any new behavior that you’re wanting to see increase. Be specific and praise as soon as the behavior occurs. So that’s an important piece there. 

 

Kendra Till:  That’s interesting, because praise is obviously, you know, something that can be so easily done. And it’s just again, connecting with your kid and talking about what’s happened throughout the day. And, you know, as you mentioned, if it was something like, you know, I shared my sandwich with Sally today, it’s Yeah, that’s so nice of you. That’s yeah, great that way. Well, thanks for sharing 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Exactly. Now, the most important phrase that we’re going to talk about is linking this all back around to those steps that you reviewed at the beginning. So you have these three steps that you went through with your kid when they get to school, they say hello to their teacher and other kids, they get involved in start doing it activity, and then you hug and say, Bye, there’s three steps, review the steps. So you really want to tell your child what you liked about the behavior that they did when you let them with other caregivers. Thinking back to those three steps, say something like Liam, you are really good at saying hello to the other kids today. And if they follow the steps, they get the reward, they get to go to the park, they get together and do not shop, if they didn’t follow all three of the steps, they actually will not get that reward that is really key here. If they get the reward, they just, they’re not learning. Okay, there’s a, you know, a positive reinforcement for the behavior. So really, if they haven’t done those steps, you just briefly and calmly describe the ones that if your child forgot to follow, you might say something like, Hey, Billy, you forgot our rule about letting go of my hand and finding something to play with. And then you want to set the goal for next time. So next time I leave at preschool, let’s see if you can remember to let go by hand and find something to play with. Now, that is the end of that scenario. But as your child learns to mix well with others and calmly separate from you, you will not need to remind them of the steps and rewards every time you leave them, which is hot, that’s a positive thing for you. So the more you can do it upfront, like in the beginning, the more you can phase it out and less, you’re gonna have to worry about this over time. This is short term pain for long term gain. 

 

Kendra Till:  It sounds like it’s gonna get better with time. So it’s staying consistent. It’s having that communication. And if it’s, you know, difficult, just keep that consistency, and it will get easier over time. So, Lauren, that’s awesome. Thank you so much for that information, and just sharing all your knowledge and expertise. I know there’s gonna be some very useful nuggets for parents out there that they will, I’m sure, put into practice straight away, right. I’m so glad that this was useful. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  I really enjoyed pulling this together, because it is such an important time for parents, for sure. 

 

Kendra Till:  So now that we are entering into the end of the episode, Lauren and I are introducing a new aspect to our episodes where we both answer a question on our relationship. So we have different intimate relationship dynamics. I married Lauren single, are both in South Carolina. And the question is what is a challenging or enlivening relationship experience that’s happened in the last two weeks. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Yeah, so I really love that kind of dynamic that we both bring to this situation, because we both lived abroad. And we’re both living in the South that, you know, in our mid to late 30s. And I can say that I’m dating right now, and I decided this summer, I’m dating and I’m not. I’m intentionally dating. But I’m not dating to necessarily meet someone right at this moment, like I usually had been dating in the past, to just allow myself to have a summer where I’m not so concerned about that, which is an interesting concept. I never thought that I would be able to even date successfully at 35 years old in Charleston, South Carolina. If you would have told me this like three years ago, before I lived here, that this was possible. I wouldn’t have believed you but I highly recommend it. So my enlivening relationship experience that happened last few weeks is just that like allowing myself to date to meet a lot of different types of men that I’ve been on dates with and to also know when it when it’s a no for me, I learning quite quickly when it’s a no, and to just allow, allow myself to enjoy this experience of being single in Charleston at 35. 

 

Kendra Till:  And you’ve had some pretty amazing dates to Lauren. And you know, when we catch up throughout the week, she’ll tell me about the date that she’s gone on. And, you know, she’s been to some amazing sunsets like picnics and just…

 

Lauren Hodge:  A lot of incredible sunset, yeah, in and out and all and aw and out on the boat and amazing connections. And I just know that. Again, I’m not saying that I don’t want to date someone to marry, I’m definitely dating intentionally with that intention in mind. But this is, it’s just been an eye opening experience for me. And I highly recommend it for anyone who’s single out there to give this a shot to just date to see who you meet. And I love that you’re enjoying it, and that it’s adding a lot of great experiences into your life. And you’re probably learning a lot about yourself through the process as well. 

 

Kendra Till:  So that’s awesome, I’m really happy for you. That’s really cool. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  What’s a challenging or enlivening relationship experience that happened in the last two weeks for you? 

 

Kendra Till:  Well, I would say there’s been a challenging situation. So at the moment, Jesse and I are living with my mom, and stepdad. And we’re doing this as we go through the green card process. They are currently in Scotland. And so we are looking after their two little dogs. Talk about separation anxiety, they are just bit nervous wrecks now that mom and my step dad are gone. So Jessie and I are living upstairs, and my mom and step dad’s bedroom is downstairs. And so at night, the dogs will sleep downstairs, and we go upstairs, but they love to BART. And so in the middle of the night, they’ll just start barking randomly at who knows what. And there’s 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Some true parenting challenges. 

 

Kendra Till:  Oh my gosh, big time sleep challenges. That’s right. So I want to go down there. And like, I’ll have told Jesse, I was like, I’ll go and like stay in the room for you know, 10 minutes. So they calm down and just use like, just leave them like, let them go. Let them bark it out. So yeah, this has been interesting, because I can imagine, you know, these are very similar situations with kids. But we’re now facing this with our dogs that aren’t even ours. So I would say that’s been our challenge. 

 

Lauren Hodge:  That’s a big tip.

 

Kendra Till:  But it’s definitely been a challenge. So 

 

Lauren Hodge:  Well, we challenge you, parents, to try the strategies along with behavior reinforcement, things that we’ve discussed in the PDF handout that is linked on my website and on the show notes. And we want to know how it goes, let us know, back to school can be really exciting. I know there’s so many parents who are like, can’t wait to get the kids back into school. So I can have some moments of downtime. And it can be fun. But it really just requires a little bit of planning and preparation to be a success. 

 

Kendra Till:  That’s right. And you guys can find Lauren on drlaurenhodge.com, and also her online course flow is available right now. And this includes strategies to help you set goals and habits to manage stress and also to enhance your mindset. So I highly recommend that you guys go and check that out on her website. You can find me at kendratillpilates.com as well as on Instagram @kendratillpilates. Or if you happen to be in the Hilton Head area come on by the studio and come to a class and say hello. But as Lauren mentioned, the links in the resources that we mentioned are going to be in the show notes. And you can find a free downloadable PDF document with the tips that Lauren covered in this session. So as she mentioned, that’s going to be on her website. So 

 

Lauren Hodge:  If you like what you heard today and find the tips useful, please give us a five star review on iTunes podcasts or Spotify and tell us what part you liked about the episode today. We really want to hear your feedback. 

Kendra Till: We would really appreciate it and thanks so much for listening everyone. We hope that yeah, you hope you enjoyed it and we look forward to chatting with you on the next episode.